There’s a new one that reveals what you’ll look like in your next life. It repairs the cracks in your heart’s broken mirror. Eliminates love handles, burns away belly fat. This new app abolishes injustice. Gives peace a chance. Offers a cure for cancer and the suicide gene. Makes Alzheimer’s forget it even exists. Teaches you how to play guitar and repair your car in three easy steps. Saves you from drowning in debt, breathes new life into dying relationships. Pays your college tuition. Truly listens before speaking. Best of all, this new app eliminates all scraps of racist fat and gristle from America’s melting pot.